Having sex with a gay
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Again, it’s not about the men, it’s about the BDSM. Most gay and bisexual men answer yes.
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Male sexual fluidity
In my practice, I come across many men who identify as straight but engage in having sex with men or are attracted to watching gay porn.
They didn’t confuse the acts with their sexual identity. The Beach Test: When you’re on the beach, who do you find yourself looking at more, women or men? This seems to me to be a good development. It allows for nuance.
Most often they grow up to be happily married to a woman, never having thought of themselves as gay or bi. They would never identify as being gay or bisexual. They often don’t tell the whole story and can keep us in a mental box that’s at odds with our evolving eroticism. They may have been sexually abused by a man as a child, and the urges they feel are the product of the trauma they endured.
I say to them, “Your anus doesn’t have a sexual orientation.” Many gay men don’t at all enjoy anal sex.
1. While it’s true that closeted gay and bisexual men think they’re straight before coming out, these are not who I’m talking about here.
As a culture, we’ve begun to awaken in recent decades and acknowledge various previously unspoken manifestations of sexuality and eroticism, and we’ve devised and revised new labels for them, such as LGBTQ, pansexual, asexual, demisexual and more.
For them, it simply is a transactional event, nothing to do with their sexual identity. Straight men will always answer, “a woman.” Gay men and bi men say either men and/or women or any gender. I hear from men like this who insist that they didn’t see this as cheating on their spouse because they were just having sex with a man, even though they aren’t attracted to men.
Straight men, on the other hand, remember no such attraction or interest. These can sometimes help people self-identify and find a community they can feel at home in, and they can also serve as an instrument for self-advocacy and empowerment.
“Sexual fluidity” is a term that’s helped some, particularly younger people, feel a sense of community.
We continually are discovering that the varieties of erotic attraction are endless and sometimes confounding.
How do you know if you’re gay, bi or straight?
Over the years I’ve developed a simple set of questions for men who come into my office fearing that they are secretly gay or bisexual, or that their female partner or therapist has insisted they’re in denial.
In other words, I like to say, “We’re not only what we orgasm.”
But who decided that a straight guy can’t have a homoerotic fantasy and even sexual contact with other men?